|
| maybe, my darlings, i feel as if i continue to write in this xanga, that no one reads, i can get some frustrations out into the light. kind of like peyton in one tree hill with her podcasts? i'm not as snazzy as her, though. i don't have a microphone and i wouldn't know how to set up a podcast if you asked me to. ha. so i'll stick with typing away my problems, and i'll risk getting carpel tunnel out of it. yay! tonight's issue; facing and dealing with my past. i've had xanga for over four years. and even though i only really wrote about me and my problems in it for one summer, that was probably the best summer of my entire life. and every year that passes, i find it harder and harder to let go of. the transition from middle school to high school is a challenging one, but i was really excited. i was losing a lot of friends because they were going to a different high school than me, but i still had some great friends from middle school that were going to high school with me. and i thought that we would stay friends all throughout high school. which wasn't the case. i'm still friends with only ONE person from middle school to this day and that is kimberly reed. who has been mentioned in previous xanga blogs. on this account, i'm not sure, but definitely on billabongwaves033. anyway, the point is, every once and a while, usually around this time of year, i'll look back on my past xanga entries and wonder where the time went. its been four years since all this? since i met dave? who, by the way has played a major part in my life since the night i met him. i think dave is really the only thing i miss from that summer. everyone else i can live without. claire was a manipulating bitch who basically fucked up my high school reputation before we even entered the building. and heather and i fought so much because of our clashing beliefs and personalities. and all the guys, traci and dylan mainly, were on claire's side, not mine. so where did that leave me? with david shreve, an amazing guy who sadly, lived far, far away from me. we're not as close now as we were that summer. and i don't think we ever will be unless we were to live closer to each other than we do now. yes, i miss him a lot. but our lives have been evolving and changing ever since the day we met. its not either one of our faults that we just grew apart. that's what happens when you graduate from college and get a job with the government (dave). and that's what happens when you're eighteen, you've just graduated from high school, and you have absolutely no clue what you want to do with your life (me). the whole thing that bothers me the most is that i used to have someone to talk to that understood me and my problems and the situation i was going through almost one hundred percent. i hadn't had that before, and i don't have anyone like that now. the relationship dave and i had could not be explained no matter how hard either one of us tried to explain it. we understand each other. we listen to each other. and we really care for each other. we've been through more together than i've been through with some of my other friends whom i actually see in person on a daily basis. i couldn't ask for a better friend than dave. he's seen me at my lowest points and my highest points and he's never once judged me or looked the other way just because of something mean i've said or done. i want to see him in person. probably now more than ever. just because we've lost the connection we had and i want to regain it. we used to stay up until four or five in the morning and talk, and now i feel as if we barely get to speak once every two weeks. who knows. maybe i'm just freaking out and we'll reconnect sometime in the future. but until then, i definitely need to stop looking at our past and wishing we were still the way we were. | | |
| I seriously never, everrr update anymore! haha. oh, well. I haven't even logged into my xanga since my last update. I don't see the point. no one uses this anymore, but i miss it sometimes. xanga used to be cool. hell, i loved xanga four years ago. jesus christ, i can't believe i'm saying four years ago. it feels like forever ago that i was a little 8th grader/freshman in high school writing about my day in a blog that hardly anyone read. i wrote about everythinggg, too. from what i was doing, to who i loved to who broke my heart. my most notable guy was dave, whom i still talk to on occassion to this day, but i've still yet to meet him in person and its beginning to become a little aggrivating. i mean, i have a real connection with him and i still haven't actually seen him. =[ regardless of him and our confusing situation, my love life has only grown more and more complicated as high school has progressed and now that i'm done, i sometimes wonder if things will ever slow down. i just feel like everything is sprialing out of control for me lately and i know i'm making extremely bad decisions, but i'm so lost that i can't stop now. there's no backing out of this. college has become out of the question for me. the application process scared the hell out of me. i don't know what a real relationship is like, still. the longest one being a month and it was a mistake from the start. i find myself living in the past a lot now, too. hence, why i'm writing a weblog entry on my fucking xanga page that's almost four years old. its ridiculous to think that i've come so far, yet i haven't come that far at all. sometimes i think i'm still the person i was four years ago and that scares the hell out of me because i hated who i was back then. i guess that means i hate who i am now. there is someone who actually stole my heart and never gave it back after dave. which shocked the hell out of me when it happened because after all dave and i went through, i didn't think i would ever, ever love again. i thought that it was impossible to let someone new into a heart that had been stepped on so many bleeding times, but i found that after time had healed it, it was ready to jump again. and jump it did. i jumped into a shark-infested ocean of problems with costen merritt. and although he will never, ever read this because he doesn't know that it exists, i'm saying this anyway; its all my fault. and i'm taking the majority of the blame for everything that's gone wrong between us. my intentions were, at least 85 percent of the time, never to hurt you. i always, always wanted the best for you. and me. and what could have, might have been if i hadn't screwed up so much. i'm so, so sorry. this is an apology that's been needed to be said for a while now, but everytime i tried to say something, you cut me off before i could say anything. you have a right to be frustrated, mad, aggrivated, pissed off with me. you have the right to write me off. i would've written me off a long time ago if i did half the stuff to me that i did to you. and we've both given each other more chances than either of us have deserved. you with your lying, and me with telling everyone everything about us and our relationship. i know i broke my promises too many times. and i know that you never meant half the things you said to me that i considered sweet and honest and real. if there's a place in your heart that ever wants to try again, i'll always be here. because the truth is, i love you. i really don't know why, its just something i can't explain, but i love you. and i'd pretty much do anything to get you back. because you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea. | | |
| It's been a while... a long while since I've written. Now I'm almost a senior and I'm only ONE year away from graduation. In May, I saw a whole bunch of friends graduate; it made me excited, yet really nervous. I can't wait to get out of here and graduate, yet I'm scared to. Eh, my life hasn't been really exciting lately... just a bunch of nothing. It's summer and it's been pretty boring with the exception of the writng camp i went to in June.. write more later, or once again, next year. ;D <3. | | |
| Time for the yearly update.
Yay! :]
Junior year is about three weeks away.
Ahh two years til graduation.
I'm pretty excited about this year.
I'm a completely changed person.
I'm done with high school drama/bullshit.
So anyone that brings it to me will definitely
not be on my good side. I'm taking some pretty hardcore classes.
To prepare for college, etc.
And I'm definitely not going to be attending
college on the east coast.
So i'm excited to get out of here as quick as
possible. Anyway.
its like 3 o'clock and I have to do my psych hw.
write more later?
or maybe just next year. ;] <3 :] | | |
| no one reads these things.
i get it.
but i dont care.
one year ago i made this xanga.
august third two thousand five.
and one year ago.
my life actually made sense.
i had a best friend.
i didnt have very many guy issues.
i wasnt IN love.
i didnt know what love was.
then it all changed.
august fifteenth two thousand five.
my life hasnt been the same since.
i dont think it ever will be. | | |
|
